The Guilt I Hold of What I Couldn’t Communicate

Outside the world stops 

and breaks up the sky.

((when I become anxious, I feel all the colour drain from my face, I feel all my limbs go cold right away, my heart starts to race so hard it hurts, and I begin to shake.))

The world is stormy

Hurling out of me, my voice 

It creeps.

Because of words, bones and conversations faulty

I tell someone I’m autistic until I’m blue in the face 

I do one thing destructive that I cannot control 

Because of the spiralling, exhaustion, 

And then they’re gone. Vanished. 

I was suffering 

From so many things that lived in my head. 

I am a house and I am haunted. 

During my third year at Aber, 

Struggling with my mental health, severe pain 

becoming more irritable.

incredibly stressed.

Struggling with conversations 

Keeping up the pretence

that I was fine. 

In China, I could no longer lie.

((You’ll remember that time in Paris when I had a panic attack 

from just eating some food, 

the texture in my mouth made me gag, 

I didn’t know what was wrong with me. ))

I went to a retreat thinking it would help my pain

Juicing helped my Dad’s cancer.

The next day, eating lunch with your family, 

your mother asked me how the retreat was, 

I went into autistic overshare detailing the minute details 

of the philosophy 

and your sister asked me directly

 “Then why are you eating a chocolate pot?”

I felt so put on the spot –   ashamed 

You never came to my rescue. 

I was so embarrassed. 

I had wanted to get up and leave 

but I couldn’t drive, 

I remember making light of the situation 

but inside I was mortified. 

There are memories where I felt very/extremely 

alone and like you weren’t interested at all in 

how I felt about things. Like when Bongo would make fun of 

the way I spoke. You never stuck up for me.

I needed you to speak up for me but you never did. 

I couldn’t express to you the stress 

I felt it in my head.

I felt so wrong for feeling these feelings and 

whenever I went into autistic meltdown or shutdown 

you told me you couldn’t handle these emotions and 

I felt really wrong for having them, and so I felt ever so alone.

You always collaborated with my friends, 

but not me, 

and it reminded me of school, 

where I was always a secret friend.

I felt so sad, that we would never 

collaborate on projects together, 

I so desperately wanted to live with you 

and not in a shared house again 

You’d said no, not yet.

I never showed you my tears, but I spent 

a lot of time crying alone.

I felt you didn’t understand how much these experiences hurt me.

How could I move in with your family

if I couldn’t get a job in a shop, cafe or restaurant,  

if I couldn’t stand? 

How could I stay in Aber with Teena 

if the boy who scared me 

kept coming over because he was friends with people in our shared house.

I didn’t have the words, 

to be heard, by either of you, 

that I was scared of that boy, that I couldn’t get a job, and I felt your sister, 

especially after Halloween and Easter, 

where she’d not been that nice to me, 

I felt she didn’t like me and 

now your Dad, not sure about me,

I felt I couldn’t move into your family’s home.

I felt I couldn’t ask my parents for money, 

so we could get a home of our own.

I loved you but I could see you couldn’t cope 

with anything “challenging” you wanted simples

When you stopped communicating with me, 

it was like I’d lost a limb. You were my home

I thought you loved me and that 

you’d know I loved you but I was struggling,

I loved your mother, she was so kind to me. 

I loved you so much, but I struggled to tell you

 what was wrong

because I didn’t have the words. I didn’t want to 

have these intrusive thoughts or to be so sensitive 

or experience fatigue all the time.

I felt as friends I could share with you so much more 

than when we were dating because I wanted to talk to you honestly 

about my pain/fatigue/struggles/stress 

and not always this need to be happy.

I thought as friends you’d want to collaborate with me, 

that we could be equals, that you’d see me 

as someone worthy

but the invitation never came, instead you became more distant, 

once in a while an email that said you’d hoped we 

were still friends, and the hope I’d feel in my heart, that you still cared.

I wanted to be different for you. 

I’d even asked if you could 

come to China with me when we were in London, 

and you’d said 

you’d gotten onto the teaching course 

And didn’t want to change your plans.

When I asked you about her 

you assured me nothing was going on and

 it would be the same as the year before, 

we’d be in close contact, that you’d contact me weekly, 

well we know the rest, 

Within a month you were in a committed 

relationship.

I feel you’ve had a wrong version 

of me for many years, 

I picked up on this when Jonathan wasn’t very nice 

to me in the pub, with you, 

I didn’t know what I had done 

to either of you,

I was there because 

I was excited for you, 

I wanted to support your practice, 

By buying some of your books, 

I have always treasured your words.

and I thought we were friends, 

even though

I was incredibly naive, 

I’m so sorry for anything or everything that I did.